Posted by: Sam Olsen | October 27, 2011

The Chronicles of Larry 10: rubbish wall

Now we’re back from Beijing I can get back on the computer. For some reason the Chinese Government doesn’t trust what I have to say. Like I ever say anything bad about anyone.

So we’re in the Capital, and They say, “Why don’t we go and see the Great Wall? You can see it from space you know”. And that’s relevant to my life how? I haven’t been to space and I don’t plan to. (I wish They would though.) They might as well put me in the sea, because you can see that from space too. I ask you.

They look at the prices for the tour from the hotel. £150 each. “But it comes with a free packed lunch” says Dad. Check out the one without a full time job. Mum decides to look elsewhere.

Next thing, we’re walking up and down Tiananmen Square. I see a Western bloke that vaguely looks like Chairman Mao – i.e. bald and fat – having his photo taken in some kind of “comedy shot” next to the portrait of the former leader. Almost as funny as a picture of a leper. But anyway, enough dark sarcasm. I see this dodgy looking guy sidling up to Mum. I think he’s going to get out some DVDs (have these people never heard of Lovefilm?) but no, he’s got a tour to the Wall to sell. And They book it. Great.

Next morning They force me to eat my breakfast real quick. Yes, the Wall beckons. We get ready, but I still don’t want to go: a 2 hour drive to see some bricks? Right, yeah. So just as we’re in the lift going down I pull my trump card. Mum says it’s the worst nappy explosion she’s ever seen.

The Chinese driver was waiting for us downstairs. I could tell he was from a classy operation by the holes in his brown trousers. He had also eaten his brekkie in a hurry too, well most of it, because some was still left in his stubble. 17 million people in Beijing, and all of them well dressed and perfectly civilised – except him. Wonderful.

We got into his car – well, rusted pick-up – and waited a few minutes for him to both get the engine started and to hawk up an enormous greeny which goes straight out the window like a flying caterpillar. Dad looks around, then tries to say something in Chinese. Drives looked at him blankly. Words repeated. Empty stare repeated. So Mum tries in English. “Where is our guide? There’s not much point going to the Wall if we can’t understand you”. But no guide’s forthcoming, so we call the dodgy geezer from yesterday. Turns out there is no guide. And the price has gone up. I suggest we leave by making a huge crying sound.

We trudge back to the hotel, everything a bit more greasy than before. “Back to breakfast?” Dad said. Yep, suits me. Not sure about seeing the Great Wall from space – we couldn’t even see if from the ground.

I really don't want to be here


P.s. Happy Birthday Mum. Make sure you use your day wisely by looking for presents for me for next week…


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