Posted by: Sam Olsen | December 24, 2011

The Chronicles of Larry 16: Yule

Christmas. Not many happy memories. Not many sad ones either, because my long-term memory hadn’t kicked in last December. But I’ve seen the photos. And being dressed up like one of Santa’s elves doesn’t suit me. Not one bit.

I hope this year will be fun. We just need to get through the agonising pre-Chrimbo bit first.

Like Mum’s bring-your-child-to-office day. Dad brought me along for the hour-long visit – like prison visiting but with less mobile phone smuggling – and I could tell he was really looking forward to it by the scowl he had on. After saying hello to Mum’s secretary, and seeing her desk, and drawing on her notebook, that was about al there was to it. Great, real fun.  So I was let loose on the floor. I decided to have some fun. The photocopier should be fixed by New Year. Not so sure about the pot plants though.

Shopping mall singers: Blood curdling

Dad’s turn. He decided to take me Christmas shopping. He always goes to Times Square, not sure why. Probably because it’s cheap in comparison to elsewhere. Must be his Yorkshire blood.

So we arrived at the mall to find Christmas decorations everywhere. In fact they’ve erected them right outside the main entry so you have to navigate your way through pretend ice houses and trees to get to the shops. Real clever, Mr Designer. Stop the shoppers from coming in, that’s the spirit. To make matters better, the other entrance was blocked by a couple of dozen Chinese kids singing carols. Ether that or they were impersonating an abattoir, one or the other.

We eventually made it in. Watching Dad shop is like watching him put an Ikea wardrobe together. He starts with gusto but quickly runs out of patience and is soon lashing out with a hammer. On the wardrobe, not the crowds, obviously. I decided to make it more fun for him by continually trying to run off. He loved that. Although his exasperated face is sometimes quite similar to his cheerful one.

Eventually we were done. Not sure Mum is going to like her Santa hat with pigtails and the mauve lipstick, but he insisted. Heaven knows what he’s bought me. Remind me to start practicing my fake smile.

So now it’s Christmas Eve. Mum’s already taken me out for a hike this morning while Dad went shopping. He’s had the last month but still insists on leaving his last present purchases till today. Mum’s not surprised. She is though when she sees the antler alice-band he’s bought. There’s obviously no limit to comedy head-gear this year.

Look what they make me wear

What’s the rest of the day got in store? Apart from making Noddy Holder richer – surely there must be some other Christmas songs?! – I’m going to watch Dad make a gingerbread house. It’s started well with him forgetting to buy the icing sugar to glue it together. The staples surprisingly don’t work, and Mum has stopped him from using super-glue. Can’t wait to see how this ends. The hammer is hidden.

Then tonight They are having a dinner party. I’m not invited of course, but I am planning on making a surprise visit. Twice. Every hour. My shouting should keep them entertained.

And with the excitement of the day literally bubbling away inside me, I wish you all a Happy Christmas. Can’t wait.

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